RUMPLESTILTSKIN REDUX

In yet another example of clever locals spinning straw into gold (almost literally) the May issue of San Francisco magazine ran an excellent article by Rachel Levin entitled “Four-Star Dirt” that spoke of the extraordinary compost made by Norcal Waste Systems (the company that empties those green garbage containers that line city sidewalks every Monday). Four Star Compost, as it is being called, is generated in large part from the table scraps and kitchen waste of some of San Francisco’s finest restaurants. Levin quotes Norcal spokesperson Robert Reed as saying, “We sell every bit we make. Three hundred tons a day of eggshells, Brussels sprouts, tea bags, half-eaten turkey sandwiches, waxed cardboard pizza boxes and whatever else is found in a restaurant kitchen are converted into organic-approved, trademarked compost that goes for $9 a cubic yard. Gardeners have a saying (about the effect of the compost), ‘In the first year, it sleeps; in the second year, it creeps; in the third year, it leaps.’ A lot of our farms have just reached their third year, and the results have been phenomenal.” Levin goes on to say that “…folks like winegrower Remi Cohen of Bouchaine Vineyard are swearing by the stuff. ‘The quality of our grapes has definitely improved since we started using the compost three years ago. Its high nutrient content stimulates healthier vines than the synthetic fertilizer we’d otherwise use. The compost has made for uniform ripening and more concentrated flavors. I can taste the difference.” Furthermore, writes Levin, “San Francisco was the first U.S. city of its size (to communally compost) on a large scale. The effort got a big boost in 2001, when the city offered a 25% discount on collection costs to commercial businesses (saving restaurants like Scoma’s at Fisherman’s Wharf about $24,000 a year), and again in 2002 when the Board of Supervisors set a goal to divert 75% of the city’s garbage away from landfills by 2010.” Talk about a win-win situation. Now the kitchens of almost 80,000 city households and about 2,200 cafes, hotels, hospitals and restaurants supply the raw (and sometimes cooked) materials for this garden gold. Levin concludes,”San Francisco’s homegrown program has become so effective that cities from L.A. to Baltimore and Minneapolis to Beijing have begun to launch similar ones based on our model. One diner’s picked over-spinach salad becomes another person’s soil, a back-to-the-land logic so simple it’s surprising that it’s just now taking root.”

AN ANTIPODEAN ALTERNATIVE TO DEER IN THE GARDEN

It‘s hard to argue with those who suspect that only Godzilla might be more destructive than deer in the garden, but not all animal intruders are unwelcome. An anecdote from New Zealand Gardener sent by friends in Auckland (such a beautiful, civilized country, New Zealand) epitomizes the kiwi live-and-let-live philosophy:

“NASTURTIUMS TO CHERISH”

“In the early summer a hedgehog took up residence at my friend Joyce’s motel, under the deck. Every evening at dusk the hedgehog assiduously collected mouthfuls of leaves and scurried off with them. After a week or two, she abandoned the leaves, and started collecting long trails of nasturtiums, not an easy task, involving a lot of pulling and tugging and conveying to her hidey-hole. On Christmas Eve, the hedgehog appeared at her usual twilight time accompanied by four robust babies. Joyce now feeds them saucers of milk, followed by choice cat food, the sort that would be served if white, fluffy cats dined at expensive restaurants. After their repast, mother escorts her offspring over to the nasturtium patch and fondly watches as the babies pick off the seeds and leaves to eat for dessert. Joyce and her guests always enjoy the performance”

AND BEFORE YOU LEAVE FOR SUMMER VACATION…

Make arrangements for someone to cover the watering and then scan the following inquiries sent by potential visitors to the Australian Tourism Website. The answers are those posted by website officials, excellent indicators as to why this country is such big fun to visit. You need to know that Kings Cross is the red light district of Sydney, and that Australia is home to more of the world’s most poisonous snakes than any other continent.

Q Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A No. We are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where you come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A You are a British politician, right?

Q Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A Why? Just use your fingers like we do.