SUMMERTIME

Summertime, the living is easy, etc., and in an effort to keep your vacation on the safe and sane side, here are some seasonal contemplations from Dr. C’s favorite tome, The Gardeners Dictionary:

Beach Plum 1. Bothersome seashore fruit that may be converted with considerable effort into a bland jelly. 2. Attractive, scantily-clad beach beauty who may be observed at fairly close range while pretending to pick 1.

Bee Generic name for any of a number of stinging insects, most commonly the honeybee. Contrary to popular belief, bees almost never sting, unless they are mating, feeding, resting, swarming, leaving the hive, or returning to the hive.

Cactus Millions of years of adaptation to brutal desert conditions have made this family of plants ideal for the lazy gardener, since there is very little for him or her to do between purchasing the plant and discarding it (anywhere from a week to fifty years later) except to knock it over from time to time and break its pot.

Pest Control The conventional method of dealing with pests involves the periodic application of small amounts of lead at very high velocities. It is somewhat effective in improving yields, but it limits the uses of the harvest to cole slaw, ratatouille, fruit cocktails, and dips.

Vegetable Many individuals are reluctant to raise animals for food, dreading as they do the inevitable emotional turmoil that accompanies the conversion of a pet into lunch. With members of the vegetable kingdom it is easier to avoid attachments, but for the truly squeamish the harvest can be a trying experience. Here are a few hints that will make it easier to bear: Never talk to a plant you intend to eat; when digging up potatoes avoid eye contact; do not pet soft-headed vegetables like lettuce and cabbage; don’t give your melons and pumpkins a name; and always apply fertilizer with a mechanical dispenser rather than by hand.

NANCY NON SEQUITUR

From the GARDENERS CLUB newsletter of Melbourne, Australia, forwarded by Duncan MacDonald:

“On one of those cold winter nights an old man is sitting by the fire watching his favourite TV programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is tap, tap, tap at the door. The old man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his TV. Five minutes pass and there it goes again—tap, tap, tap. A bit cross, he gets up and opens the door. No one there. So as he goes back and sits down, just as before, there is this little tap, tap, tap on the door.

Up he gets again and opens the door. A little voice shouts out “Down here.” The old man looks down and at his feet sees a little snail. “What do you want?” he demands rather sternly. “I’m cold and I’m hungry” says the snail. “Can I come in and sit by your fire and have something to eat?” “No!” says the old man, and with that he kicks the little snail right over the garden wall. Then he sits down and gets back to his programme.

Six months pass. The old man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He goes and answers the door and there, at his feet, is the same little snail.

“Now what do you want?” demands the old man. The snail answers in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”