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Dr. Chlorophyll - Advice for the Horticulturally Harassed



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“Lawyer: One who protects us from robbers by taking away the temptation.”

“Courtroom: A place where Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot would be equals, with the betting odds favoring Judas.”

“Life may not be exactly pleasant, but it is at least not dull. Heave yourself into Hell today, and you may miss, tomorrow or the next day, another Scopes trial, or another War to End War, or perchance a rich and buxom widow with all her first husband’s clothes. There are always more Hardings hatching. I advocate hanging on as long as possible.”

— Epigrams from A Mencken Crestomathy, selected by H.L. Mencken himself.

AND ANYWAY, WHO DOESN’T LIKE POPCORN?

Though Dr. Chlorophyll prefers to have his palm crossed with silver, what more often is crossed is his desk with trade magazines. While flipping through a recent issue, Dr. Chlorophyll was interested to learn of a most innovative solution to an odious problem common to garden centers still selling chemical herbicides and pesticides. Under the best of circumstances those sections of those stores tend to smell bad, and when a bottle of Malathion or the like gets spilled the premises pretty much have to be evacuated until the noxious vapors dissipate. Still, these products have a high profit margin, some consumers demand them, and since shelf life is measured in years, some merchandisers are loath to banish them. What to do? Dr. Chlorophyll quotes from an article about the Farwest Trade Show in Portland, Oregon:

“Here’s one super cool idea we noted: As we all know, the chemical section of your garden center may not exactly smell like a bed of roses. But at Al’s, it smells like popcorn! Al’s staff put a popcorn machine in the chemical section. They pop popcorn throughout the day to hide the chemical smell. Shoppers notice the appetizing smell, walk over to the chemical section, have a bag of popcorn, and grab that bottle of Kill-All for their gardens. It’s a win-win situation. And anyway, who doesn’t like popcorn?”

Shades of Klingon cloaking devices, and a 911 episode if the shopper absentmindedly ingests from the wrong hand. But, as the saying goes, build a better mousetrap and…

NANCY NON SEQUITUR:

Further Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed, Or So Utterly Clueless That It Deserves To Be:

From Dr.Chlorophyll’s friend Cheri, a mother superior, these are actual label instructions observed on some consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
On the outside of a bag of Fritos cornchips: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
On a Swanson frozen dinner: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowena iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
On a box of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”
On a package of Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.”
On a packet of nuts served on American Airlines: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”