“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”
“ Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.”
“ 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
     –Steven Wright

From Dr. Chlorophyll’s friend Ann Murphy, Esquire, (in no way implicated by the third quotation above) and in memoriam of Lucy, the late wonder cat, comes:

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cat’s cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Remove pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Remove cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force cat’s jaws open and push pill to back of cat’s mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat’s mouth closed for a count of five.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Remove cat from curtain rail. Remove foil wrapper from another pill. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Insert pill in one end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow into drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink beer to take taste of pill away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close cupboard door gently on cat’s neck, leaving only cat’s head exposed. Force cat’s mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down cat’s throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid escaping cat. Unwrap last pill.
13. Tie the little monster’s front paws to its rear paws with garden twine and bind cat tightly to leg of dining table. Don heavy-duty pruning gloves. Push pill into cat’s mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold cat’s head vertically and pour two pints of water down cat’s throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new dining room table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the Cat From Hell and call local pet store to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.