“I won’t eat anything that can look me in the eye. I always think it’s memorizing my face so that it can hunt me down in the afterlife.”
– David Leite, on cooking live lobsters.

“Victory goes to the player that makes the next-to-last mistake.”
– Chess master Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.”
– Frank Lloyd Wright

From D.L. Stewart’s column in Ohio’s Dayton Daily News comes this seasonal reminder that

“IT’S TIME FOR OUR TRADITIONAL GARDEN TALK

The chill winds of winter have gone, the showers of April have gone, and at our house in Ohio it’s time for the annual garden talk. Which means that one day this week my wife and I will walk out into the small yard that borders our condo and we will decide what plants will go where.

My wife’s goal is to make the entire world more beautiful by covering any part of it that is not moving with flowers, paintings, objets d’art and plates that hang on the wall. Mine is not to waste energy or money on anything that will not eventually be edible, drinkable or playable in my VCR.

The first part of the conversation will cover which bushes that were planted last year need to be dug up and planted somewhere else this year to make room for other bushes that will be planted this year and dug up to be replanted somewhere else next year. And which of us should just take an Advil and quit whining about his bad back.
Then we will discuss how many flowers we will need to plant. Over the years, she has worked out a mathematical formula to determine this: take the Garden of Versailles and multiply by six. At the end of the discussion there will be a period of silence that will last until the weekend, when we will drive to the nursery to buy 650 flats of assorted flowers, plus several thousand shrubs, trees, bushes, hanging baskets and decorative herbs. And one tomato plant.

The tomato plant will be mine, and I will be allowed to plant it anywhere I like, as long as it is not a place where someone might see it. As nearly as I can calculate, this means our garden will be 99.7 percent hers and .3 percent mine, which is approximately the same way the counter space in our bathroom is divided. I am not, of course, complaining, although I do love homegrown Ohio tomatoes. And I’m sure our garden will be beautiful again this year, so I invite everyone to come and see it. If we’re not outside rearranging bushes, just come up to the front door and ring the bell. I’ll probably be in the kitchen. Eating a bacon, lettuce and geranium sandwich.”

NANCY NON SEQUITUR

Sunday, June 19, is Father’s Day. So that more people can enjoy a father as perfect as was hers, Dr. Chlorophyll’s friend Nell suggests the following men’s training classes to produce the best possible Future Fathers of America:

• “How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Tray.” Step by step, with slide presentation.
• “Toilet Paper Rolls–Do They Grow On Holders?” Round-table discussion.
• “Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub?” Group practice.
• “Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor.” Pictures and explanatory graphics.
• “Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen?” Examples on video.
• “Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.” Open forum.
• “Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.” Graphics and audio tape.
• “Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.” First person testimony.
• “Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?” Driving simulation.
• “Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife.” Online class and role-playing.
• “How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion.” Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
• “How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, And Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.” Group therapy sessions and shock treatment offered.