So you're the proud owner of a brand new rose bush. Or maybe you've moved to a house where a rose was already living, and suddenly you're responsible for the fool thing. You've heard all the intimidating stories about roses: they're high-maintenance, disease-prone, heavy-feeding tyrants, so complicated to cultivate, you're contemplating a Ph.D. in botany. You've flipped through a few books, and read about feeding regimens so complex you wonder if maybe you should go for a Masters in biochemistry as well. And yet, as you drive down the street, you see that many of your very humble neighbors, some of whom you suspect are still repeating the third grade, have managed to grow spectacular roses. What, you ask, is their secret?

The first step is to understand the true nature of roses. They are vain, neurotic, narcissistic creatures that thrive on attention and rebel against neglect. If they feel they're not being fussed over and admired, they will pout and withhold and act out and cause you endless headaches. This may be the reason some people have luck with the complex feeding schedules, the ones requiring several different expensive ingredients every month. It's not so much the nutrients as it is the attention. In my experience, roses will put on the same traffic-stopping pageant-winning performance with a handful of plain old generic rose fertilizer, as long as you stop at each bush and exclaim loud enough for the other plants to hear, “No rose on earth has the right to be THIS beautiful!” Bear this in mind next time you read some expert proclaiming that roses won't thrive unless you play them the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto in E Minor, or recite the early works of Keats. The joke-of-the-week downloaded from the Internet will have pretty much the same effect, as long as they're the center of attention.

Once you've completed Clinical Rose Psychology 101, here are a few more practical tips to keep your roses from coming down with the dreaded Summer Uglies.

1. Watering: Don't let roses become dehydrated. Pampered foliage that is plump with water maintains stronger cell walls and is more resistant to disease. Dry roses develop weakened cells, and are more susceptible to fungal diseases such as mildew and rust, as well as sucking insects like thrips. During heat waves, roses may need to be watered as often as once a day. Water deeply.
2. Feeding: No need to make downstairs reservations at Chez Panisse. You will be rewarded with just as many blossoms if you give each plant a cupful of balanced rose fertilizer once a month. Feed them an occasional treat like alfalfa pellets or fish emulsion, and they'll be delirious. If you notice some roses have bleached-out colors or weakened fragrance, it's possible that years of adding delicious organic mulches have lowered the pH of your soil, making it difficult to metabolize trace elements. Add agricultural lime to correct the pH.
3. Deadheading: Due to their vanity, roses love to be groomed. Take a little time to primp and preen. Prune off dead flowers, to encourage new buds to form. Pluck off diseased leaves. Pinch off branches that are close to the soil: they pick up fungal spores that spread upwards. Remove some growth from the center of the bush, to let in sunlight and increase air circulation. This only takes a few minutes a month, but your roses will carry on like they've spent a week at the spa.
4. Tolerating Imperfections: Unless you're willing to move to Stockton, you're bound to get a little mildew or rust. It's the price we pay for living here in the glorious notorious Fog Belt. Don't spray with carcinogens, just learn to turn a blind eye. Roses, like people, relate best when their virtues are praised and their flaws are ignored. “Black spot? What black spot? You mean those beauty marks on the leaves?” Pluck the blemished leaves tactfully.

As strange as it may sound, it's really true that the more you enjoy your roses, the better they will perform. Go out to the garden every morning and breathe in their perfume. Watch the new buds open. Cut the flowers to bring inside or give to friends. Tell your roses you're going to take their picture and show it to the rosarian at Berkeley Hort. I guarantee, this will snap them out of their summer doldrums faster than being on the cover of Vogue. When it comes to roses, flattery will get you everywhere. Try it. It's cheaper than therapy.

– Elizabeth Churchill wrote this article for us in 1999.
Recently, she has been battling a life-threatening illness at home in rural Louisiana. You can read her blog at : spinningtumor.blogspot.com/.
We miss her wit, enthusiasm, knowledge and joie de vivre. Thank you!