“One of the most dangerous months in which to play the stock market is August. Others are September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June and July.”

– Mark Twain

“If bankers are so good with numbers, how come this bank has eight windows and only four tellers?”

– Lady of a Certain Age waiting in a long line with Dr. C.

“The brain may take advice, but not the heart, and love having no geography knows no boundaries.”

– Truman Capote

From the Douglas County (Oregon) Master Gardeners,

WELCOME TO THE GARDENERS PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE:

If you are buying plants, yet have no space or time to plant them (obsessive-compulsive), please press 1 repeatedly.

If you want someone else to do the digging (co-dependent), please ask someone else to press 2.

If you will plant anything and everything (multiple personalities), please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are sure the sun, rain, bugs and plant diseases are out to get you (paranoid), you don’t need to press anything. We know who you are and we have already traced your call.

If you are sure the flowers are talking to you (delusional), listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which button to press.

If you can’t throw away a plant, even if it’s dead (manic-depressive), it doesn’t matter which button you press.

If you believe your garden is being attacked by evil spirits, press 6-6-6.

NANCY NON SEQUITUR

I think that I shall never see
A house as lovely as a tree,
A tree with roots that keep on coming,
Don’t clog or burst like household plumbing,
A tree that never needs reroofing,
Because of faulty weatherproofing,
Nor must it have a coat of paint
When its old coat grows flecked and faint,
Nor has it doors that warp or ceilings
That slowly shed their plaster peelings,
Or windows made of glass that cracks
Or carpets loosed by rusting tacks,
Nor is it burgled night or day
When one but briefly is away...
Houses are built by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

– Richard Armour